so maybe while i'm not together i can feel like i'm not alone

i feel shitty, generally speaking.
sometimes, there's smiley icing on top but mostly it's just shit.

no one to talk to, nothing to talk about...
i don't know. i'm very lost and very tired and
i've given up more than i knew i had, even.

your icy blues

I've been waking up so happy, but maybe I'm not as sure as I think I am.
Maybe I'm wanting things again, things that I can't have and shouldn't really
consider. And i never think these things are the problem, you know. I always figure
it's me, not that I'm doing something wrong, necessarily, but that i am not doing anything right,
and I'm just looking for that special something that I think could get me where i want to be.
I don't know where to start, though.

wargasmic.

we have such great ideas, but then we either forget them or think about them later and realize, "wtf?"

but I think one of them involved becoming gypsies, and that was cool. time machine, as well.

no one takes time travel seriously and it's fucking me up. i can't be the only one that only wants to marry historic figures?! or unattainable black metal gods or GQ motherfuckers...

alas, woe is me.

my words alight like leaves of sin.

it's really rather silly, but I very much want a black Juicy Couture sweatsuit. I mean, 100+ each for track pants and a hoodie IS ridiculous, and I think that's what appeals to me. It's cheesy and ballin' and extravagant, which is excellent. Too bad there's so many things on my "extravagant purchases I'll convince myself I'm saving up for even though I know no money is staying in my hands for very long" list. There's FX makeup and props, chainmail, beautiful demonia boots or creepers or both... just so very many things I want that I'm not going to list them.

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got"
I want what I've got, but can I still want more? Apparently so. jskfjkdsjfksdjfkdsf .

I'm in a bit of a bind lately, as I'm in a "craving a change" phase right now, and I haven't any way of changing anything as drastically as I need to right now. I suppose once I get back from the cabin, I'll finally dye my hair again, after getting it trimmed all pretty-like. Also, I'm planning on getting my septum pierced, probably in september when my friend goes to get some stuff done for her birthday. Yay! I'm at the point where I don't really care if my parents don't like it, I've respected their distaste for body mods for a very long time, and I think I'm DEFFINATELY old enough that it's time that they respect my love of them. I've been very patient, so it's my turn to treat my face the way I want to.

[okay, not entirely patient. I cheated a bit, but no one can see that, so shh.]







this is the only pic I've got so far, of my bro and me all gussied up as Bubblehead Nurses. you cant really see the mask texture, but it's pretty cooooool. there's my darling lolita in the back, there, too.

there's no harm in dreaming it

All random and unrelated things that I want want want want want, thanks.

organ grinder.

"Something like if Hell-Cat Maggie had a baby with Dorian Grey who was raised on a pirate ship by Dani Filth where it was taught to fly jets by Wop May and listened to a lot of techno, crunk and metal with Lil' Jon. " that's my plan.

Mhm. I'm working on a chain shirt. Not chainmail, since the rings I've got are a little too heavy/thick, unfortunately, but that will come, too.

My favorite holiday is, duh, Halloween. Which is, when you stop and think about it, a really weird word. So, do or don't, up to you. My predicament is, tortuously, this. Do I go as
a) Baby Firefly
orrr
b)Hell-Cat Maggie ?

I'm thinking hell-cat maggie, but if I ever have a baby firefly body, you just try and make me put any more clothing on it than she does. HA.

heatstruck.

i wasn't made for summer, frankly. this humid, west-coast heat is hard to take and it's pure masochism to look at fall/winter collections in this oven of a room. maybe some visual relief... coolness by association? I doubt it, but oh well...

skint.

as per usual.

oh, for so long i have longed for such a head-dress
at least now that it's trendy, maybe I can
stumble upon something.

my only consolation.

i remember.

I remember what it is about summer that I dislike.
being home.
fuck. fuck it alllllll, motherfucker.

why, yes

yes, we do like the rugged, post-apocalyptic, military, survival gear look.
shh, just let it happen:

arclight

thoughts.

• next year is going to suck. why do scheduling conflicts only conflict my schedule? ugh.
• why wont my DVD play on my laptop? I hate the TV room
• why are chocolate covered crickets so costly? I waaant them.
• why is smoking so terrible for you, fuck.
  
• why is the weather like fejwapihfwr n ? make up your miiiind.
  

yeah, i'm just little negative-nelly today, basically.

for a different view

I wish I could drive. When I can, I think maybe I'll live in my car. Then just turn my bedroom into a huge closet and just visit to switch up what I'm packing in my trunk. I'd need a RV to take all my clothes everywhere, no joke.

I bought brown cords yesterday, and I caught myself listening to the Rolling Stones, which I never do. I'm not a Stones fan, I admit it. No Stones, no Beatles. But it's okay, it wasn't too serious. Just a few songs out of a shitload of Black Sabbath, Gorgoroth, and Tiger Army. I'm chill lately, it's new to me. Aside from cords, I'm super into military things, a little bohemian, vintage, and definitely anything rugged and Canadian-esque.

I'm going camping in the states tomorrow evening, I don't know where exactly, but I know it's at a lake. It's overcast right now, the summer kind of clouds, and supposed to rain, so I wonder how the weather will be for that. Personally, more than camping and socializing, I'd like to laze around a few Goodwills and Value Villages. Goodwill tends to turn out some pretty good stuff, and we don't have any this side of the border.

Here's what I'm into especially right now:
Black Sabbath, Apocalypse Now, my beaded flats even though the beads are starting to get scuffed off, pants that are not black skinny jeans, purses, bomber hats [anything pilot-style, really], my AA bathing suit, that dress, robes, my favorite jewelry [crosses and keys, all long and mostly silver], and of course my pretty phone.

what it meant.

"I used to think that if I died in an evil place, my
soul wouldn't be able to get to heaven. But, now? Fuck.
I don't care where it goes, just so long as it aint here."

shitwrecked.

school's almost over. now I really just need money and smokes and we're almost out of tea, fuck.

and epitaphs...

nothing much to say.

when the whole world disappears

i could sometimes really just walk forever.

we got coffee in the dark and boarded home, wheels humming hypnotic on the pavement. slipped into the alternate weightless universe of the pool and just drifted for a while, and then it was green tea and hearse shopping until our eyes scratched like late-night TV static when there's nothing left to watch. all of the sudden it was summer and the world just feels that little bit different, fleetingly eternal and languorous, and each moment takes a lifetime before it never was at all.

comme j'suis jamais ...

i need new hobbies, maybe. i'm not sure. deffinately need a job, of course. maybe a little more determination and a little more drive. optimism is great but that alone won't get you anywhere, i guess. so, now i just need to get what i need. my head is just a big merry-go-round.

nothing left to mutilate

i have the odd sensation of standing next to a busy street screaming
and everyone just keeps on passing by. why do i feel like i'm not there?

lets stop traffic.

I need:
- to change my hair
- zillions of pyramid studs
- gunmetal spray paint
- bleach
- to remember to force myself to work out more
- to clean my room and do my mofucking laundreh.

du gris.

It's warm out, but of course it's not just warm, it's all coastal and humid, which is less than comfortable. ew. I always think about wanting to move somewhere cold, maybe, but then I think I don't really want to leave.
I'm like, incredibly unsatisfied and pms-y and just... fuck, school is nearly finished, I cannot wait. Still no job but I'm hoping, there's still possibilities, it's all good.
I dropped off some shit for film before leaving to go to a funeral, and instead of filming the class was playing charades? Also, the only person in my group who knew what we were doing wasn't there, so... cool. whatever, I'm not baking more muffins, if we need more props, someone else can do it.

Just because who hasn't posted these by now? but that's not the point. the point is Mary Kate nearly nailed exactly how I've been dreaming my hair to be for a while now. I saw this incredibly cute girl at Value Village rocking about the same style the other day and I was so jealous I want to slap her, but so impressed I wanted to like, be her bffl or something at the same time, so I dunno.
I finally got my camera back. It's a shit camera, but it's all I've got, and it was pretty frustrating waiting for my sisters and dad to quit passing it around like a joint. speaking of which... I watched part of "Friends With Money" in sociology last week, and I liked that Jen Anniston was playing a chick that smoked weed. I would love to see her in a stoner comedy, I really fucking would. speaking of which, again, I just watched "weirdsville" GO FUCKING CHECK THAT SHIT THE FUCK OUT MOTHERFUCKERS! Seriously, it was bomb. such a cute movie.

aaaanyways, imma peace aight, later.
ps, my mom is studying and she's using up my music curfew.
college is ruining my life and i'm not even in it yet, fml.

cancer

i'm so glad monday is a holiday, but i don't know what good it will really do me in the end. by the end of this month i am really hoping to be employed somewhere. i feel like that could really help my situation.

i don't know how to feel about life right now... things are very strange currently.

dreamcatcher.

i got a muffin pan that will make 4 nice big heart-shaped muffins and a dish in which to cook escargot, therefore, i am happy. i also got a short red peacoat and a turquoise button up corduroy cowboy shirt. yeah, that's right, colour. of course, a black sweater and another black blazer also ended up in my possession, which was unnecessary but WHATEVER.
i made dinner today. beets, zucchini, potatoes and onions and steak and salad and you would die of happiness eating it, honest. i promise. for real. i wish i had whole wheat flour for the muffins i want to make.

i think the movie theater called but i knew the moment i started filling out the application that something about that place really turned me off. i think it was the manager, i just didn't like him. however, while le chateau turned me off completely, i really liked the manager there. so, you know. what do i do? ! i'll just work in a green house, turn hippie or something, i guess. peace motherfuckers, I'm on a boat.

sundaes.

I spend too much money and haven't gotten a job interview yet, even. but whatever. i'll find something, i'll get money, i'll move out. and my place will be perfect. or something. i don't even know. i'm very impatient about everything but also too worn out from waiting to try and speed shit up. i don't make a lot of sense, maybe, but whatever.
i just paid my friend $5 in dimes, way to slum it. long weekend ftw, i am sooo stoked and um.... yeah. don't you hate needing to talk, but having nothing to say? i am so there right now.
whenever we walk at night we pass this house that is darker grey with a red door and it's surounded by trees. at night the red door glows and seriously, it fucking caaallls to you, man. just calls. i need to buy Apocalypse Now. I have an unhealthy obsession with that movie, oh well, it can't be helped. peace the fuck out.

a world to win.

i don't know what this is, some movie remake or something. basically the blond understands my taste in hair. she's fucking stunnnning. aside from that, apparently doodles will only get you 1.5 / 20 on your physics quiz, and prompt your teacher to announce a little exasperatedly that that's "enough of [this] crap."
bollocks, that's my cue i guess. let's see what i can do about effort, eh?

unchain my heart.

i am fucking skint. and not because i've bought these ridiculously orgasmic motherfuckers, either. not because i've bought anything worth it. i have no idea what it is that i spent all my money on but i know what it is i wish i had more money to spend on. although it's not all the same-old bad-news shit, because this time my financial woes are at least somewhat diminished by the slight optimism of having finally handed out a few applications, one of which i handed in at the very store that happens to sell these shoegasms. fingers are crossed, you can bet your mother's right lung on that.

i think i have a lot of homework. it's very possible that a month-long journal documenting our provincial elections is due tomorrow in socials. it is more than probable [in fact, it is fact] that i have yet to even really think about attempting to start said journal. whatever. scholastic apathy aside, i'm feeling otherwise inspired and refreshed so maybe i'll get around to being myself again finally and doing something other than nothing. one can only hope.

i guess on the topic of inspiration, i am totally feeling the need to make a list, because i have a list-complex. yeah, i know it's weird for someone with no organization, but i never said my life made sense. anyways, let's see... gorgoroth, alex webster's hair, feathered headdresses, taxidermy, catholic iconography, lush gardens, gypsies, contrasts and irony, outdoor summer dinner parties, quirky tea cups, black sabbath, black and white photography, evergreens and candy stores. that's sort of where i'm at right now, and all of these things are sort of born from or helping to enhance my need for school to just fucking END right about anytime now. whatever, six weeks or so left, I just need to hope for employment and make sure i keep all my marks above failing. because i can't afford to fail another class. you know, i would totally credit/link all the pictures i put here if
a] i could remember where i found them, and/or
b] anyone read this. oh well, haha.

which is what I am now.

I don't know what to wear to cannibal corpse, I wish I could dance like candy. then it'd be okay, cause my bad outfit would balance out. but, haha, imagine dancing to cannibal corpse like that? sexy .

starbursts.

So, I realized something today, about my parents. I'd never really thought about it, but it suddenly sort of clicked that, hey, I'm thedaughter of an immigrant and a navy brat who was raised in a trailer park.

Haha, high rolllllah, you know. Maybe this will all be poignant
and inspiring if I ever becoming wildly successful and influential in life.

in the shade of oak, so it has always been

I can't really do much about my hair until summer [hopeful prediction.] After having waited
so long, it is a bit of a let down to have to wait longer still, but I suppose it's better in the end to have waited for what you wanted rather than to have made an impulsive decision that got you neither what you'd hoped to have, nor any closer to having it later on. So, for now, it's still these
now more than 6month old torturous dreams and longings to have my blond hair back that will have to get me through the everyday "FUCKSHITFUCKWHYDOILOOKLIKETHIS" feelings.

http://muszka.deviantart.com/

venetian snares.

abdication .

I'm, unfortunately, no fucking princess. And your kingdom is a shithole,
ANYWAYS.
I don't want to want you, and I don't need to need you.

causerie.

I feel like I've really messed something up, but I can't think of what.

I'm not a katy perry fan.

but this video... everything she wears in it... joygasm.

cexcells

i just really want minnetonkas, coffee and your hand in mine. is that too much to ask?

This room is amazing. Could you imagine how beautiful it would be in the rain, and how great it would be to see the sky like that all the time. I really want a room like this one day.

somebody turn the lights on.

Is anyone else seeing Spirited Away, here? Which reminds me, I'd kind of like to watch that movie sometime soon. There's actually a few movies I want to see, but I don't think I could sit through any of them.

giles.

space cadet

I'm kinda spacey lately, and I can't decide what to say. BUT, I drafted my resume and made muffins, amongst many other small personal accomplishments/milestones/pleasant achievements.
Maybe one day I'll actually be skinny and then I'll dress nice and be all "ooohlolzimafashionbloggggger" . we shall see.